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Kitchen drawers - The Hall of Einar - photograph (c) David Bailey (not the)

Kitchen drawer wildlife

Woodlice. There are 3,500 species in the world and between 35 and 40 in the UK. They’re animals which many children know. …

Woodlice on the carpet - The Hall of Einar - photograph (c) David Bailey (not the)

Woodlice on my carpet

I have a woodlouse issue. The red carpet in the bedroom is, well, carpeted in them. Woodlice are crustaceans, just like crabs, …


Woodlice in the lightshade

It’s been a long journey. To get to their final resting place, these Woodlice have had to get through the gaps between …

Letting the bath run

Letting it run

It’s time for a bath which means removing the woodlice and spiders from the enamel.    I think I might let the …

There was only one woodlouse on my face flannel this morning. My worry is that they’re all still alive inside the Hoover … → 18 August, 2013

Note to self: when arriving and cleaning the kitchen for first use, always empty the toaster crumb-tray of woodlice before warming pitta to avoid that toasted woodlouse smell.

→ 17 August, 2013

Woodlice are nutritious but not mint flavoured, so always shake them off your toothbrush before brushing.

→ 17 August, 2013

Woodlice in the light shade

Real dedication

There’s a beautiful collection of desiccated woodlice in the upturned light shade. It shows real dedication that they crawled all the way across the floor, up the wall and along the ceiling before dying in my light shade.

Always remove woodlice from the USB ports of your laptop before attaching USB peripheral devices.

→ 26 August, 2010

Always zip up your washbag at night if you want to avoid getting woodlice on the bristles of your toothbrush.

→ 25 August, 2010

In order to increase the light in your living room, get one person to tip the bowl-shaped lamp-shade to one side whilst the other uses the extension tube on the vacuum cleaner to clear the layer of dead woodlice from the bottom. It’s worth at least 5 watts of low-energy bulb.

→ 22 August, 2010

Remember to always replace the lid of your slow cooker fully to avoid woodlice falling into your Orkney Beef casserole when the steam from below overcomes them. Although nutritious, their presence is an acquired taste for youngsters.

→ 20 August, 2010

Emptying woodlice from your underpants before putting them on in the early morning leads to much greater comfort on the bicycle saddle by mid-morning.

→ 19 August, 2010

Always buy a toilet seat that contrasts in colour and tone with woodlice in order to avoid sitting on them unexpectedly.

→ 18 August, 2010

Always shake the woodlice off your flannel before using it to wipe your face in the morning.

→ 15 August, 2010